There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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