how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize