I think i sorta joined a cult last night
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
3 2 1 whiskey
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
