does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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