the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
