Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
