I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
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