i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
someone owes me an orgasm
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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