I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
