Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
