I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Two words: blizzard sex
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
