I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
