my phone needs a breathalizer
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
