My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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