Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
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