I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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