I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
