The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
