She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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