I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
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