You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
