I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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