the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
that may or may not have been my penis.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
