My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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