It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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