So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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