I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize