i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
