Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
