Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Randomize
