hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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