i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
