NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
