Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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