I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
