Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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