im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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