Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
