everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Randomize
