I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
