i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
