life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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