Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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