I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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