oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
