I think I died a long time ago.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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