i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
You smell like a Billy Joel song
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Randomize
