my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
