my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
