i wish starbucks made bloody marys
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Well I just put wine in my tea
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Randomize
