What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
