He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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