I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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