I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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