I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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