Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
