I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
