Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Randomize
