the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
